Posts Tagged ‘bad ideas’

How the Occult Can Save NASCAR

May 18, 2010

While I’ve always been a sports fan, there are certain sports that I could never get into. Stock car racing is one of them. It’s not that I don’t recognize the tremendous amount of athleticism, finely trained reflexes, and incredible reserves of stamina it takes drive a car 500 or so miles in heavy, darting traffic at breakneck speeds, nor is it that I don’t understand how physically and mentally taxing it is to work on a pit crew.

The NASCAR logo

From Wikipedia.

For whatever reason, I just have no interest in it. Maybe it has something to do with my background in track & field, distance running, and cycling. On some very visceral level for me, any race where people don’t propel themselves under some direct form of their own power doesn’t qualify as “racing,” no matter how well I understand intellectually just how physically demanding it is to drive a race car or jockey a horse.

I’m not like a few of my relatives, who will gladly sit in rapt attention for hours while listening to a NASCAR race on the radio, which is a behavior I find truly baffling. There are certain sports that lend themselves well to radio broadcasts. Baseball, for instance. Any race of any form longer than a sprint really doesn’t fall into the category of “radio-friendly,” though. I also don’t find NASCAR even remotely interesting on TV — not even when there are crashes.

The problem for NASCAR is that while I’ve never been alone in that opinion, I’m increasingly less alone with every passing year. After a rise in interest in the late ’90s and beginning of the last decade, the size of TV audiences for NASCAR races has been dropping precipitously for several years now, declining almost 19% from 2006 to 2009.

NASCAR's "Racing with Jesus" car.

"Racing with Jesus." From

The time has come for NASCAR to adopt a new, radical approach to boost viewership and win over new fans across a broad range of demographic subsets. Too many NASCAR teams have owners or sponsors involved in automotive parts or services. It’s time to go way “outside the box” to reach people who aren’t gearheads or other automotive aficionados.

Something like the Morgan Shepherd’s “Racing With Jesus” car reaches out to a slightly different demographic, but it merely reinforces a stereotype of the typical NASCAR fan which is frankly more inaccurate than one might think, and it doesn’t help draw in many new fans. What NASCAR needs is something completely different that will really turn people’s heads.

It’s high time that an organization like the O.T.O. got involved in NASCAR team sponsorship. After all, the precedent of open religious sponsorship has already been set, and some occult group like Ordo Templi Orientis getting involved in NASCAR would certainly turn heads and be a strong attention-getter, much to the benefit of both parties.

The Eye of Horus.

NASCAR has its eye on a comeback. The Eye of Horus, from Wikipedia.

Just imagine: “And number 777, the Crowley Car, wins Talladega! Let’s talk to the winning driver, Billy Joe Shaved. Billy Joe, is there anything you’d like to say?”

“Well now, I just wanna start by thankin’ Thoth fer givin’ us all the wisdom to come up with a winning race strategy based on the rock of truth found in The Book of Lies. I hope this win gives glory to almighty Horus and Nut, Queen of the Air.”

Television ratings would spike, I tell you. Spike. It would be the beginning of NASCAR’s new Golden Dawn.


Product Concepts Best Left Undeveloped, Part IX

March 12, 2009

Introducing Caligula brand baby booties and toddler footwear!

Caligula” is the perfect name for our cute baby booties, since it means “little boots” in Latin. It sounds cute, and we can’t think of any reason why people would associate it with anything else.

Remember, when you think of adorable infant accessories, think Caligula!

And be on the lookout for our Pol Pot Kitchenware line, coming soon!

Product Concepts Best Left Undeveloped, Part VIII

November 21, 2008

The economy being what it is, we at A Tale Told By An Idiot need to pay the bills somehow. And so, we present you with the following paid blogfomercial. (Why is my spellchecker not flagging this? Please don’t tell me “blogfomercial” has become an actual word . . .)



All The Goodness of Salt, With None of the Sodium!

“Hi, Silly Daze here for one of the most important products I have ever endorsed! Millions of people die every year from complications arising from high blood pressure, and one of the contributing factors of this disturbing trend is excessive sodium intake. Now I am pleased to present to you a breakthrough product that can change all that and help you lead a healthier life: Horton’s Sodium-Free Salt!

“Horton’s has taken the Na out of NaCl, leaving nothing but pure, all-natural, and delicious chlorine! As we all know, if it’s all-natural, it has to be good for you! Just listen to what our street urchins who were desperate enough to do this for money — umm, I mean people who love Horton’s Sodium-Free Salt so much that they volunteered to come on this show — have to say!”


“That’s just the warming, all-natural, enveloping goodness of chlorine making it’s way to every nook and cranny of your body!”

Volunteer 1: NOOOOO!!! SOMETHING’S REALLY WRONG!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!

[whispered] “Enough of that, or we’ll drop you off right back at Citigroup headquarters where we found you.”

Volunteer 1: GAAAHH!!! GLURP!

“Let’s see what our next taste-tester has to say!”

[Volunteer 2 is slumped forward in his chair, motionless. The host pokes Volunteer 2 with his microphone several times. There is no response, no sign of life.]

“Well, our second volunteer is obviously so overcome by the deliciousness of Horton’s Sodium-Free Salt that he’s at a loss for words! And there you have it, folks, Horton’s Sodium-Free Salt: it tastes so much like regular salt, it’ll completely overwhelm you!”

Product Concepts Best Left Undeveloped, Part VI

October 9, 2008

A fully illustrated children’s pop-up book of the Bob Dylan song “Desolation Row.”

A Very Bad Idea

June 6, 2008

Delivering a PowerPoint presentation on how to deliver a PowerPoint presentation on the application of Gantt Charts to proactively maximize synergy across diverse project constituencies without resorting to the use of buzzwords.

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