Posts Tagged ‘advertising’

Kansas City Wizards Rebrand as “Eastern Conference Skinny Puppy”

November 19, 2010
The Kansas City Wizards' latest former logo.

Out with the newest old...

The Kansas City Wizards of Major League Soccer announced Wednesday that the organization is changing its name for the third time and its logo for the fourth. One of the original MLS clubs from the league’s first season in 1996, the team was initially known as the “Kansas City Wiz” (insert urination-based joke of your choice here), and their logo was the following vomit-inspired motley:

The old Kansas City Wiz logo.


The name, which nobody liked, didn’t last long, and the organization eased on down the road to its first re-branding after just one season, changing the name to “Wizards” and exchanging a goofy musical theater reference for a goofy book/movie reference. However, for the next decade, the Wizards’ logo was not the sort-of-tolerable one at the top of this post. Instead, it retained the hideous particolored vibe of the old Wiz logo:

The older old Kansas City Wizards' logo.

Still Eew.

Finally, in 2007, the club changed its logo yet again and addressed a minor eleven-year oversight by including the city’s name for the first time. Also, the color scheme was at last rendered less upchucky.

This brings us to Wednesday, when the club unveiled its new name and logo in a 17+ minute speech by the team’s president, who managed to say next to nothing that didn’t fall into the “meaningless corporate B.S.” category over a tremendous amount of time.

At any rate, the new logo for the prosaicly renamed “Sporting Kansas City SC” is the following:

The new "Sporting Kansas City SC" logo.


Others have already pointed out the new logo’s uncanny resemblance the Major League Soccer Eastern Conference logo:

The Major League Soccer Eastern Conference log.

Similar, huh?

There’s one other eerie resemblance in the new Sporting Kansas City SC logo nobody seems to have noticed yet. Take a look at the “SC” in the new KC logo. Now take a look at the following logo for the seminal electro-industrial band Skinny Puppy:

The Skinny Puppy logo.

The other weird similarity in KC's new logo.

I want to know who in the Sporting/Wizards organization is into Canadian electronic-industrial thrash music. It would be incredibly funny if, next year, Kansas City’s team was greeted on every road trip by the sound of “Convulsion” off Too Dark Park whenever it took the field for warmups, although I’m not sure how many people would get the joke.


“Microsoft Kin Discontinued”

June 30, 2010
The Microsoft Kin phone.

From the San Francisco Examiner, via Verizon, which is probably full of people who feel really stupid right now.

Well, that was quick. If they really only sold about 500 of these after their big advertising blitz, that’s hysterical.

An Update on “The Loungie”

May 20, 2010

Back in December, in the kind of groundbreaking work of serious investigative journalism for which this site is held in wide esteem in my mind alone, I reported the existence of what may perhaps be the stupidest television commercial ever created: “The Loungie.”

At the time, no video footage of the commercial existed on the Internet. In fact, I and one other person on Twitter were the only people to be found online who mentioned seeing it.

In April, the ad apparently started running again. It would only be a matter of time before it, like the coelacanth, would be captured.

Finally, on May 8, an alert reader (I’m kind of amazed this blog has readers, let alone alert ones), posted video footage of the commercial in the comment section of my original Loungie newsflash.

I, in typically alert fashion, only noticed this tonight, nearly two weeks later. So, here’s the video for your edification:

I love that it’s an English language commercial now airing on Telemundo. That’s some smart marketing jujitsu right there.

How the Occult Can Save NASCAR

May 18, 2010

While I’ve always been a sports fan, there are certain sports that I could never get into. Stock car racing is one of them. It’s not that I don’t recognize the tremendous amount of athleticism, finely trained reflexes, and incredible reserves of stamina it takes drive a car 500 or so miles in heavy, darting traffic at breakneck speeds, nor is it that I don’t understand how physically and mentally taxing it is to work on a pit crew.

The NASCAR logo

From Wikipedia.

For whatever reason, I just have no interest in it. Maybe it has something to do with my background in track & field, distance running, and cycling. On some very visceral level for me, any race where people don’t propel themselves under some direct form of their own power doesn’t qualify as “racing,” no matter how well I understand intellectually just how physically demanding it is to drive a race car or jockey a horse.

I’m not like a few of my relatives, who will gladly sit in rapt attention for hours while listening to a NASCAR race on the radio, which is a behavior I find truly baffling. There are certain sports that lend themselves well to radio broadcasts. Baseball, for instance. Any race of any form longer than a sprint really doesn’t fall into the category of “radio-friendly,” though. I also don’t find NASCAR even remotely interesting on TV — not even when there are crashes.

The problem for NASCAR is that while I’ve never been alone in that opinion, I’m increasingly less alone with every passing year. After a rise in interest in the late ’90s and beginning of the last decade, the size of TV audiences for NASCAR races has been dropping precipitously for several years now, declining almost 19% from 2006 to 2009.

NASCAR's "Racing with Jesus" car.

"Racing with Jesus." From

The time has come for NASCAR to adopt a new, radical approach to boost viewership and win over new fans across a broad range of demographic subsets. Too many NASCAR teams have owners or sponsors involved in automotive parts or services. It’s time to go way “outside the box” to reach people who aren’t gearheads or other automotive aficionados.

Something like the Morgan Shepherd’s “Racing With Jesus” car reaches out to a slightly different demographic, but it merely reinforces a stereotype of the typical NASCAR fan which is frankly more inaccurate than one might think, and it doesn’t help draw in many new fans. What NASCAR needs is something completely different that will really turn people’s heads.

It’s high time that an organization like the O.T.O. got involved in NASCAR team sponsorship. After all, the precedent of open religious sponsorship has already been set, and some occult group like Ordo Templi Orientis getting involved in NASCAR would certainly turn heads and be a strong attention-getter, much to the benefit of both parties.

The Eye of Horus.

NASCAR has its eye on a comeback. The Eye of Horus, from Wikipedia.

Just imagine: “And number 777, the Crowley Car, wins Talladega! Let’s talk to the winning driver, Billy Joe Shaved. Billy Joe, is there anything you’d like to say?”

“Well now, I just wanna start by thankin’ Thoth fer givin’ us all the wisdom to come up with a winning race strategy based on the rock of truth found in The Book of Lies. I hope this win gives glory to almighty Horus and Nut, Queen of the Air.”

Television ratings would spike, I tell you. Spike. It would be the beginning of NASCAR’s new Golden Dawn.

“The Loungie”

December 22, 2009

For a day or two, I thought maybe I’d fallen asleep and dreamed this commercial. Something so stupid couldn’t possibly exist, and the fact that my wife could find neither a single mention of it on Google nor a single screen grab or video of it on Youtube over the weekend seemed to confirm the dream hypothesis.

But now, unfortunately, comes proof that I’m not insane. Someone else saw a commercial for “The Loungie.” I’m not the only one, and knowing for sure it exists makes me shudder.

A brief background: It was around 2:30 in the afternoon on Saturday, and I was watching something about shipyards on History International (Yes, I was watching History International on a Saturday afternoon. There was a blizzard going on outside. DON’T JUDGE ME!!!!).

There was a commercial break, and this spot came on for a tote bag that unfolds into a blanket that can be tied down to a beach lawn chair, as though some meth addict in a manic phase got hold of a Snuggie and decided he could improve it. It was called “The Loungie.” The ad’s intro veered dangerously close to the brilliant iCarly parody commercial of the Snuggie (a.k.a. “The Sack”), as it began by asking how often you’ve tried to put a beach towel down over a lawn chair only to have it fly off in the wind.

The commercial only grew more ridiculous from there. It hawked the Loungie’s thick, luxurious fabric of some sort, as well as the super secret compartment for storing your valuables which anyone who sees the commercial will know about. Then came the coup de grace: the optional versions of the Loungie with chessboards and backgammon tables printed on them.

I swear I am not making any of this up.

How Citigroup Will Pay Back Its TARP Money

December 4, 2009

Poor Citigroup. The company still hasn’t been able to come up with a plan to pay back its bailout money to the U.S. government. Luckily, I believe the answer to the firm’s woes may lie in the fine print of my latest Citi Mastercard statement that arrived in the mail the other day.

Beginning the second page, which hawks Citi’s Online Bill Pay and Retail Purchase Protection Plan among other things, is the following strangely incongruous paragraph:

Receive $10 OFF Your First 20Lb Gift Box of Florida Citrus!  Navels, Grapefruit or Mixed. Reg: $36.95. Intro Price: $26.95 Plus S&H.  Ends 01/15.  To order, call 1-866-743-6277 and ask for dept 07x.  Or log on to WWW.ENJOYCITRUS.COM and enter dept. 07x.  An offer from Al’s Family Farms  (not a Citi  (R)  company).

I can only imagine how this ended up in my credit card statement.

(The telephone rings at the desk of a corner penthouse office on Wall Street. The man sitting behind the desk, the CEO of a bank deemed “too big to fail,” lifts the receiver.)

“Vikram Pandit here.”

“Umm . . . yeah. This here’s Al. [pause.] Al from Al’s Family Farms down here in Flor-ee-da. I got a problem maybe you folks up yonder could help me out with.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think —”

“I can pay ya.”

“I’m all ears, sir. What’s your proposition?”

“Well, the growing season’s been better than we expected and, uh, we got us too many damn grapefruits now.”

“I see.”

“We gotta figure out howta get rid of ’em before the gators get ’em. Vitamin C’s like Red Bull with vodka to them scaly varmints. Then, next thing ya know, the flamingos get into ’em too, and all hell breaks loose. Last thing you ever want is a bunch a gators and a bunch a flamingos all hopped up on C havin’ a dance off to see who got served. Ya see what I’m sayin’?”

“Um, sure.”

“We put signs out on the road runnin’ by our place sayin’ we got grapefruits cheap, but ain’t nobody never drives though Okaloacoochee Slough. Damn shame, really.”


“So, we need to get the word out to more folks. That’s where you come in.”

“What exactly do you want us to do?”

“Well, way I see it is you send out a whole bunch a them bill thingies to millions o’ folks with your credit cards every month.”

“Yes, we do.”

“How about puttin’ somethin’ in ’em sayin’ we got all this here fruit you can get real cheap. Say it’s like a special offer for your valued customers or some sorta crap like that.”

“And what do we get out of this?”

“Thirty percent of the profits.”

“Sir, you have a deal!”

“Hey — Ain’t’cha supposed to have a secretary or something?”

“No, we had to lay all of them off so a few of us could keep getting bonuses. I double as a janitor over the night shift now, too.”


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Citibank got into the bulk fruit basket racket to repay its TARP money.

Turn It Up, Man!

October 20, 2009

Hey, man, is that Freedom Rock?


No reason. ‘S just awesome is all.

I wonder what would happen if you tried calling the number at the end today. If it still works, I’d totally want the four LP option.

Product Concepts Best Left Undeveloped, Part IX

March 12, 2009

Introducing Caligula brand baby booties and toddler footwear!

Caligula” is the perfect name for our cute baby booties, since it means “little boots” in Latin. It sounds cute, and we can’t think of any reason why people would associate it with anything else.

Remember, when you think of adorable infant accessories, think Caligula!

And be on the lookout for our Pol Pot Kitchenware line, coming soon!

As Seen on TV!

February 17, 2009

We’ve gone down the wormhole, people.

On Saturday, the in-laws dropped off a pair of Valentine’s Day presents for us. Why they feel the need to do such a thing for such a B.S. non-holiday, I can’t say. Perhaps the gifts were meant as something of a joke. You’ll see why below.

The first gift was something called “The Slanket.” A blanket with sleeves. Just like those silly TV commercials for another blanket with sleeves called “The Snuggie.” The very thing that I’ve savagely mocked on this blog before. Apparently there’s quite a rivalry between these two sartorial disasters. My wife found a Facebook group called “Snuggie vs. Slanket,” wherein the members debate the relative merits and drawbacks of their preferred brand of druid-dork outfit. There are also multiple Slanket fan clubs on Facebook, according to her.

Why, I cannot fathom.

Our Slanket is pastel pink. It came in a bag with a label card that reads, “Welcome to the world of Slanket ownership. You are now considered a friend to all of us at The Slanket. The only thing left to do is find the nearest couch and get cozy with it.”

The other gift we received was — I cannot belive I’m publicly admitting we now own these things — a box of ShamWows. The commercials would have you believe that these are the greatest things to ever come out of Germany — screw Goethe (many did, by the way). I haven’t yet discovered whether or not that’s the case, as we’re still too ashamed to open the box.

Although we have been getting this strange temptation to dump a couple of bottles of soda and wine on our carpet and see what happens, I’ll probably just go find the nearest couch and get cozy with it, instead.

Stupid Commercial Tricks

December 15, 2008

Now you can fulfill your lifelong ambition to dress like Orko!

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