Archive for the ‘critters’ Category

All the News That’s Fit to . . . Something or Other

April 14, 2011

Hey Mom, I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News as, “The paper.”

— One of Mike Myers’ characters in So I Married an Axe Murderer

. . . and from that illustrious paper comes “news” of the shocking source of our worldwide zombie outbreak (yeah, I didn’t notice there was one, either): ZOMBIE ANTS FROM RIO!

In other news, the annual springtime invasion of our house by tiny ants seems to be underway once again. Hopefully they’re not of the zombie variety. Zombie ants make Batboy cringe.

In a perfectly rational segue, here’s my favorite line from So I Married an Axe Murderer, spoken by another of Mike Myers’ characters: “Heed! Pants! NOW!”

I Can Has Literacy?!

November 12, 2010

If ever want to lose your faith in humanity, all you have to do is read through the comments section for any story on any news organization’s web site. Every once in a while, though, you’ll come across a piece of news with a comment section that ends up being slightly more comical than it is purely depressing. A great example of this can be found in today’s MSNBC Cosmic Log piece about a recently completed study of the physics of how cats lap water.

While fascinating, it’s an admittedly frivolous endeavor, as one of its investigators, MIT engineering professor Roman Stocker, said. However, here’s the important sentence from the article which an astonishing number of conservatively-inclined commenters clearly failed to either read or comprehend:

Stocker admitted that there’s not an immediate practical application to the research, which was conducted with borrowed equipment and no outside funding.

I decided to italicize and bold the key part of that key sentence just then, in case anybody reading this right now also failed to absorb that pertinent detail.

Anyhow, here are some of the gems of dim-witted comments this article produced. To highlight the stupid, the screen names have not been changed:

  • JustPhil-2336414: “It doesn’t lead to anything that wasn’t already known. It was just a way for a group of scientists to get a big federal grant to study this.”
  • DT-2238463: “Did somebody pay for this research?”
  • Pat-506741: “And this cost how much? Seriously. I’m watching TV talk about the proposed cuts on Social Security, Medicare, Farm subsidies, cutting the mortgage interest deduction, taxing employer paid health benefits. And now, cat lapping? I can tell you where I’d start cutting….”
  • Hammy the Cat: “What life changing research this was. I wonder how much tuition funding this wasted.”
  • mipak: “This is exactly why America is losing it’s edge in research: pork barrel research on stupid projects like this.”
  • wb52: “I’m sure this was funded by a government grant……..”
  • OnTheRoad-1943197: “I am so so happy that this has finally been figured out!!! Yea! How many of my tax dollars did this require?”

Go back to flinging feces at one another in trees, folks.

Bring Me a Projection Screen!

September 29, 2010

From Hyperbole and a Half, here’s a public safety video my kids desperately need to watch now that they’re old enough to chase around and torment the cats:

The String Cheese Incident

September 9, 2010

I was driving to my parents’ house, my car loaded with groceries, when I noticed something out of the ordinary in their neighborhood. A very large, very misshapen, vaguely anthropomorphic deer was weaving from house to house, knocking on front doors. Strangely, the neighborhood seemed to be abandoned.

I didn’t think anything of it as I pulled into the garage and closed the door behind me. While unloading the groceries in the house, my parents’ parrot began squawking, “BRAAAAK, Something’s not right, BRAAAAK!”

“When did they get a parrot,” I wondered.

Raoul Hausmann, Mechanical Head

Raoul Hausmann, Mechanical Head, from Wikipedia

There was a knock on the door a moment later. From a slight part in the dining room curtains, I could see a large deer that looked like the love child of a muppet and Richard III. I didn’t answer the door.

“Umm… Hey,” a strangely nerdy-sounding voice emanated from within the hulking, hunchbacked deer muppet, its google eyes flailing wildly. “Uhh, Dwayne De Rosario told me this was the place to get your ears waxed in sensory deprivation tanks, so I’m, umm, assimilating the whole bread loaf.

“Uhh, anyway, I’ll be around from now on… So, uhh, you’ll be seeing me, umm, around and stuff.” The deerlike creature staggered off across the street to another house, repeating the word “Brains” under its breath the whole way.

I shrugged it off and began putting away groceries. Soon, the dull thud of an enormous  suctioned tentacle against the front door echoed through the house. Another surprisingly dorky voice came from the direction of the door.

“Hi. This is Sid. Uhh, Sid The Octopus. I was sent here by Toby Keith Urban Outfitters to elevate your coffee to the fourth plane… Anybody home? … No? … Well, I’ll, uhh, just leave the dominoes on the front porch. Tally ho!”

By this time I’d gone upstairs. I glanced down at the backyard from a second story bedroom window, and I could see a gigantic, green ostrich with burning red eyes doing neck rolls on the back porch, and a huge gorilla skulking across the back yard.

And the moral of this story is to never eat string cheese just before bedtime.

Dude, The Renaissance Faire’s Over

August 20, 2010

I’d like to believe this is part of some colossal in-joke, but I sadly fear that’s not the case:

As if this video wasn’t insane enough from the outset, at around 5:10 the guy starts talking about the time he took a bunch of nature spirits to a Chinese restaurant, and the elves started eating the chopsticks because bamboo’s one of their favorite foods.

Where Else but South Carolina?

August 14, 2010

From the place Jon Stewart dubbed the United States’ political “whoopee cushion,” we now have this:

Dog Brings End to Master’s School Board Bid: Labrador mix chews up petition with almost 200 signatures

Even your dog wants you to lose.

I bet he's a plant for the other party.

Of course this is the sort of thing that would only happen in South Carolina, the home of such impossibly weird luminaries as Mark Sanford and Alvin Greene.

At least the canine-thwarted would-be politician in question, a retiree and substitute teacher named Terry Thomas, has a sense of humor about his predicament. He now says he’s inclined to believe students who give him the old “dog ate my homework” excuse.

I Can Has Pamplona

March 2, 2010

Because there simply isn’t enough awareness of kitten-related material on the Internet, here, for your viewing pleasure, is the 2007 three-part YouTube epic The Running of the Kittens, all on one page. It puts the Star Wars Trilogy to shame. Both of them.

Part one, wherein, “It begins slowly: the kittens take a few tentative steps.”

Part two, wherein, “A temporary distraction: caught up in the excitement, the kittens begin to play-fight.”

Part three, wherein, “At last, running: unlike bulls, however, the kittens do not run in the same direction. (Some, in fact, do not run at all, becoming distracted instead by the fascinating walls).”

I Can Has Confoozun, Eh

November 13, 2009

Newsflash: Thatcher is dead.

No, not the former British Prime Minister. The Canadian Transport Minister’s cat.

Unfortunately, Minister John Baird forgot to specify that he meant the feline Thatcher when he sent a message about it. Hijinks promptly ensued within the Canadian government.

Important Newsflash

July 4, 2009

Teh Seattle Marinerz can has cheezburger!

The ghost of Bill Veeck must have possessed someone in the Mariners’ front office…

Today’s Sign of The Apocalypse

June 10, 2009

Forsooth, concrete evidence the Rapture is nigh:

The Cats With Blogs Web Site.

The Cats With Blogs Web Site.

Verily, cometh the hour of the Rapture, I claim dibs upon all can openers in thy house and in the house of thy neighbor. My familiars insist I doth.


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