The String Cheese Incident

I was driving to my parents’ house, my car loaded with groceries, when I noticed something out of the ordinary in their neighborhood. A very large, very misshapen, vaguely anthropomorphic deer was weaving from house to house, knocking on front doors. Strangely, the neighborhood seemed to be abandoned.

I didn’t think anything of it as I pulled into the garage and closed the door behind me. While unloading the groceries in the house, my parents’ parrot began squawking, “BRAAAAK, Something’s not right, BRAAAAK!”

“When did they get a parrot,” I wondered.

Raoul Hausmann, Mechanical Head

Raoul Hausmann, Mechanical Head, from Wikipedia

There was a knock on the door a moment later. From a slight part in the dining room curtains, I could see a large deer that looked like the love child of a muppet and Richard III. I didn’t answer the door.

“Umm… Hey,” a strangely nerdy-sounding voice emanated from within the hulking, hunchbacked deer muppet, its google eyes flailing wildly. “Uhh, Dwayne De Rosario told me this was the place to get your ears waxed in sensory deprivation tanks, so I’m, umm, assimilating the whole bread loaf.

“Uhh, anyway, I’ll be around from now on… So, uhh, you’ll be seeing me, umm, around and stuff.” The deerlike creature staggered off across the street to another house, repeating the word “Brains” under its breath the whole way.

I shrugged it off and began putting away groceries. Soon, the dull thud of an enormous  suctioned tentacle against the front door echoed through the house. Another surprisingly dorky voice came from the direction of the door.

“Hi. This is Sid. Uhh, Sid The Octopus. I was sent here by Toby Keith Urban Outfitters to elevate your coffee to the fourth plane… Anybody home? … No? … Well, I’ll, uhh, just leave the dominoes on the front porch. Tally ho!”

By this time I’d gone upstairs. I glanced down at the backyard from a second story bedroom window, and I could see a gigantic, green ostrich with burning red eyes doing neck rolls on the back porch, and a huge gorilla skulking across the back yard.

And the moral of this story is to never eat string cheese just before bedtime.


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