Creamy, Yummy, Marshmallowy White Space

I feel as though I should write something here, since it’s been several days.

So, here goes. Something to write . . . something to write . . . while gaping into the maw of a screen full of beautiful white space. Creamy, yummy, marshmallowy white space. Such a shame to mar it with text — so would say a graphic designer. But, on the Internet, content is content is content, and these black lines and sqiggles called letters are what I string together best. Believe me, you wouldn’t want to see me attempt to draw a picture on here. Or even a diagram.

That’s a funny word, diagram. It sounds kind of like diadem, which is another funny word. But, if you lost a monarch’s diadem and offered a diagram as a replacement for it, the monarch in question would most likely not be amused.

Monarchs were generally not very amused throughout history, except for queen Victoria. She was endlessly facinated by CD jewel cases and moonwalk castles. I wonder if you could put a moonwalk castle on the moon. You could get some insane air on one of those there. Or could you? There isn’t any air there, after all.

Why is it that “airy” is a synonym for light, breezy and well ventilated? The air here is really humid, sticky and heavy feeling right about now. It feels like somebody managed to open the mouth of every gaseous molecule within five miles of here, stick a fire hose in it, and turn the hose on at full blast.

For all you kids out there stumbling across this while avoiding working on reports or research papers, it will aid you greatly to know that scientists have recently discovered that the molecules making up our atmosphere do in fact have mouths. If anyone questions this basic truth of science, you can simply tell them it has to be true because you saw it on the Internet, and you can refer them to this site, a well known tome of knowledge in its author’s mind, as evidence. But really, do you actually need evidence when you already possess certainty? Of course not. I’m certain of it, and so are you, because you’re a bright kid.

Gaseous molecules do have mouths, and their mouths are essential to our sense of smell. What happens is that the molecules go on all-night drinking binges and forget to brush their teeth (previously known as “quarks”) before they pass out in a vodka-and-Jäger induced stupor (because Jägermeister will mess you up, even if you’re an inanimate covalent bond). The stench produced by these passed out molecules which snore loudly with their mouths open is what we interpret as scent, and it produces the winds which drive the Earth’s weather patterns.

What does this have to do with anything? Everything.

In closing, staplers are generally made of metal, although many now have plastic parts as well. A few lucky ones even contain genuine rubber.

Meditate on that, and ye shall reach the eighth and penultimate astral plane, also known as the Spruce Moose, also known as “Billy” to his friends and “Rufus” to his co-workers.


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