We’ve gone down the wormhole, people.
On Saturday, the in-laws dropped off a pair of Valentine’s Day presents for us. Why they feel the need to do such a thing for such a B.S. non-holiday, I can’t say. Perhaps the gifts were meant as something of a joke. You’ll see why below.
The first gift was something called “The Slanket.” A blanket with sleeves. Just like those silly TV commercials for another blanket with sleeves called “The Snuggie.” The very thing that I’ve savagely mocked on this blog before. Apparently there’s quite a rivalry between these two sartorial disasters. My wife found a Facebook group called “Snuggie vs. Slanket,” wherein the members debate the relative merits and drawbacks of their preferred brand of druid-dork outfit. There are also multiple Slanket fan clubs on Facebook, according to her.
Why, I cannot fathom.
Our Slanket is pastel pink. It came in a bag with a label card that reads, “Welcome to the world of Slanket ownership. You are now considered a friend to all of us at The Slanket. The only thing left to do is find the nearest couch and get cozy with it.”
The other gift we received was — I cannot belive I’m publicly admitting we now own these things — a box of ShamWows. The commercials would have you believe that these are the greatest things to ever come out of Germany — screw Goethe (many did, by the way). I haven’t yet discovered whether or not that’s the case, as we’re still too ashamed to open the box.
Although we have been getting this strange temptation to dump a couple of bottles of soda and wine on our carpet and see what happens, I’ll probably just go find the nearest couch and get cozy with it, instead.