Product Concepts Best Left Undeveloped, Part VIII

The economy being what it is, we at A Tale Told By An Idiot need to pay the bills somehow. And so, we present you with the following paid blogfomercial. (Why is my spellchecker not flagging this? Please don’t tell me “blogfomercial” has become an actual word . . .)

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DO NOT EAT. FOR PETES SAKE, THIS IS SATIRE, PEOPLE.)

All The Goodness of Salt, With None of the Sodium!

“Hi, Silly Daze here for one of the most important products I have ever endorsed! Millions of people die every year from complications arising from high blood pressure, and one of the contributing factors of this disturbing trend is excessive sodium intake. Now I am pleased to present to you a breakthrough product that can change all that and help you lead a healthier life: Horton’s Sodium-Free Salt!

“Horton’s has taken the Na out of NaCl, leaving nothing but pure, all-natural, and delicious chlorine! As we all know, if it’s all-natural, it has to be good for you! Just listen to what our street urchins who were desperate enough to do this for money — umm, I mean people who love Horton’s Sodium-Free Salt so much that they volunteered to come on this show — have to say!”

Volunteer 1: OH GOD!! IT BURNS!!!! IT BURNS!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!

“That’s just the warming, all-natural, enveloping goodness of chlorine making it’s way to every nook and cranny of your body!”

Volunteer 1: NOOOOO!!! SOMETHING’S REALLY WRONG!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!

[whispered] “Enough of that, or we’ll drop you off right back at Citigroup headquarters where we found you.”

Volunteer 1: GAAAHH!!! GLURP!

“Let’s see what our next taste-tester has to say!”

[Volunteer 2 is slumped forward in his chair, motionless. The host pokes Volunteer 2 with his microphone several times. There is no response, no sign of life.]

“Well, our second volunteer is obviously so overcome by the deliciousness of Horton’s Sodium-Free Salt that he’s at a loss for words! And there you have it, folks, Horton’s Sodium-Free Salt: it tastes so much like regular salt, it’ll completely overwhelm you!”

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