I got to spend Labor Day afternoon with my father in a skybox at a home game of the local Atlantic League baseball team at the invite of a local company, and there I got to partake in skybox luxuries like unlimited supplies of beer and bottled water.
I don’t ordinarily buy or consume bottled water. I can’t help but feel like a sucker paying for water when I live in a place where what comes out of the tap is perfectly safe, so I rarely get an opportunity to examine the labels on bottled water closely. However, watching a baseball game leaves one with ample time for frequently more fascinating pursuits like staring blankly at empty water bottle labels, and I was surprised to discover that the brand of water provided at the stadium, Aquafina, is billed as “the official water of Major League Baseball.”
Exactly what property of water in bottles labeled “Aquafina” causes the powers that be at Major League Baseball to get so stoked about it as to stamp it official, I can’t say. I guess I’m just silly for believing all water was simply a chemical bond of hydrogen and oxygen atoms in the same ratio. This water, according to MLB, is somehow better — official, if you will. The water is clear, so maybe it’s full of Barry Bonds’ mysterious “clear” magic head growth juice or something.
At any rate, I still can’t see why Major League Baseball is interested in promoting a brand of a basic prerequisite for life. But, I see an opportunity. I have a few empty glass jars with lids on them. They are completely empty, save for the air they contain — and there’s the opportunity. Major League Baseball, with your endorsement, I’m sure I can sell the wonderful, pure air in these jars. I’ll let you in on some of the profit. Feel free to contact me any time.