“Chupacabra Funk”

The following was inspired by a particularly bizarre search engine query that directed some unlucky soul to this site.

Perhaps no other creature of recent uncertain ontology inspires fear throughout the Western Hemisphere as the wily chupacabra. Armed with naught but a bendy straw, some cardboard and a boom box, the chupacabra stalks its prey from the edge of the forest, surveying a nearby herd grazing in the meadow. The chupacabra then spreads the cardboard across the meadow floor and presses the play button on the boom box. The hills spring to life with the sound of Herbie Hancock’s Headhunters on vintage cassette. Only then can begin the mythic ritual goat-sucking break-dance of the chupacabra.

At the conclusion of the dance, the chupacabra shouts to the goats, “You just got served!”

“Oh no we di’n’t!” reply the goats, and they commence break-dancing as well, because it is, at this point, so totally on. By carefully observing the break-dancing goats, the cunning chupacabra is able to discern the weakest and most arthritic of the herd. It is in this devious manner that the chupacabra selects its prey.

Pouncing upon the slowest of the goats, the chupacabra rips its head off in one swift motion and begins to suck blood from the goat’s head through its trusty bendy straw, as everything tastes better when sucked from a skull. The chubacabra’s tendency to drink from empty goat heads eventually helped spawn the otherwise inexplicable tiki bar craze, where cocktails with umbrellas sticking out of them are imbibed from plastic cups lovingly mass-produced by some plaster mold to resemble seriously brassed-off wooden heads.


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