Dear Makers of Oshkosh Baby Clothing:
I am writing this letter because one of your products confuses me. I do not understand why my seven month-old needs six pockets in his pants. I recently spent the better part of a particularly thrilling day trying to figure out why babies need so many pockets, but I can identify hypothetical reasons for the existence of only four of them.
- Maybe my child should be carrying around his own wallet already, and he would need a pocket for that. Even though he can’t read and wouldn’t know the difference between an ID card and his favorite chew toy, I suppose it’s never too early for ChoicePoint to have an extensive, inaccurate and poorly secured database of his private records already, just waiting for somebody to steal. It’s better, perhaps, that he take matters into his own hands and let somebody steal his identity from him directly.
- Keys. However, his chewy toy keys do not seem to fit in any of the pockets. The only keys that would fit are our car and house keys. Maybe you are telling us that we should make the baby carry them.
- (and 4.) A cell phone and an iPod. Even though he wouldn’t know what to do with them yet, it seems like kids these days come with these items surgically attached to them, and maybe two of the pockets are for him to practice carrying them around.
That leaves two more pockets that frankly mystify me. I respectfully request that you clear up this confusion by describing exactly what they are for, since staring at them right now makes me as strangely uneasy as the sight of that extra, unidentifiable piece of chicken in KFC buckets.
Before I forget, I have one other question about the six-pocketed pants. For what exactly does a pair of overalls need belt loops?
One Baffled Parent