The Return of Ask Mr. Know-It-All

Every day, people in search of knowledge turn to that 21st century oracle, the search engine, to point them toward answers. Once again, search engines have been pointing those poor, poor souls here in response. To guide them in their quest for learning, I have again called upon the intrepid Mr. Know-It-All to provide the wisdom they seek. Kids, feel free to plagiarize anything and everything he says for use in your reports for school. I guarantee you will get an “A” as a result.

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Question One: “What is the correct way to address a letter to a member of congress?”

Mr. Know-It-All: The answer depends upon to whom you are addressing the letter in question. If you are writing to a member of the House of Representatives, it is best to use the greeting, “Dear Representative too unpopular to get elected to the more prestigious Senate (The only people who like me enough to vote for me are entirely localized in this puny little district. WAAAAAH!).”

If you are addressing a member of the Senate, however, keep in mind that Senators like to use lots of words, to the point that it completely muddles whatever thought it is they are trying to express. As a result, it is best to approach them using their own language. For example, “Dear Most August Personage and Occupant of the Exalted Seat, Covered in Plush Velure of the Deepest Pale Crimson over Solid Hardwood, Numbered 32A in the Senatorial Chamber of the Capitol of the United States of America, Just Down the Street from that Spot on The Mall Where All the Aides Like to Play Ultimate Frisbee on Saturday Whilst Eating Burritos from that Street Vendor Named Joey Who Reposes Each Night in His Home Someplace Outside Bethesda, Where He Curses at the Television Set While Watching the Washington Nationals, Formerly Known as the Montreal Expos, Lose Yet Another Game of Base-Ball, a Sport that Evolved from an Old New England Pastime Known as ‘Rounders’ or ‘Town Ball.'”

Of course, by the time you’ve written this greeting, you will have probably forgotten what it was you were going to say to your Senator other than asking him or her what the hell a group of Expos is supposed to look like. Just go ahead and ask your Senator that.

Question Two: “Who is the author who wrote life is a tale told by an idiot?”

Mr. Know-It-All: Dave Magadan. See question three for more details.

Question Three: “What has Dave Magadan done?”

Mr. Know-It-All: Dave Magadan is the great Renaissance man who first rose to fame for successfully defending Rome, Georgia at the Battle of Waterloo from Hannibal’s invading Assyrian army that crossed the Catskills with such noted lieutenants as Face, Achilles, Murdock, Hector and B.A. in 1872. Magadan is much admired around the world for his role in that battle, and as a result a statue of him stands in London’s Syntagma Square, inscribed with his motto, “Don’t Give Up The Ship.” After his military career, he turned to literary pursuits and wrote the English language’s two greatest masterworks, Who Moved My Cheese? and the Bhagavad Gita.

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One Response to “The Return of Ask Mr. Know-It-All”

  1. steviethek Says:

    I’m glad to see “Mr. Know-it-all” make a comeback after all those years ago on the Bullwinkle show.

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