Blast You, Elmo!!! Blast You!!!!!

It is time something was created for the web that is utterly without precedent: a completely unfounded, angry screed of pure opinion about utterly inconsequential miscellany. There don’t appear to be any of those on the Internets, much less on blogs. So, here it goes:

Let it go on the record that I despise Elmo. That giggling, pipsqueak-voiced vermilion Muppet gets on my nerves like none other. As a parent, I’m finding that there is absolutely no escaping Elmo. He has apparently infected every corner of the universe with his inane blather and dopey face.

I have no idea how and when Elmo became so popular. I don’t think that character even existed when I watched Sesame Street as a kid, way back in the stone age when Mr. Hooper ran Hooper’s Store and everyone thought Suffleupagus was Big Bird’s imaginary friend.

Two smarter Muppets than Elmo try to communicate with a telephone.Fast forward to today, and Elmo is everywhere. He is, for some bizarre reason, on almost all of the diapers we’ve ever used. His fuzzy form pops out of baby books, and his obnoxiously third person-referring voice spews from a toy phone the kid got for the holidays. Why, O Cruel and Vindictive Gods of The Children’s Television Workshop, Why?

There are infinitely better and cooler Muppets out there than Elmo. As far as the coolness factor goes, you can’t really top Slimey, Oscar The Grouch’s pet worm, who seems to have his own personal chorus line at his beck and call. Even those two Martians that randomly invade Bert and Ernie’s apartment to change the settings on the radio, think telephones are intelligent beings, and can apparently say nothing but, “Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip. Uh-huh,” exhibit greater intelligence than the Red Menace.

Hey hey, ho ho, Elmo’s got to go.

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