You Have Questions. I Have Answers.

The time is ripe to launch a new blog feature in my quest to make this the most factual place on the Internets: Ask Mister Know-It-All. Mister Know-It-All will henceforth and forever be never on hand to answer the questions posed by intrepid navigators of the World Wide Web to search engines in their quests for the wisdom of the ages. For some twisted reason, those search engines sometimes point seekers of enlightenment here. Who am I to let them down?

The very first nugget of wisdom to be dispensed by Mister Know-It-All is in response to a soul thirsty for knowledge who asked that great 21st century oracle, the search engine, “How was hydrogen used in England?” on January 10, 2008, only to be sent here.

Ask, and ye shall receive. Here is Mr. Know-It-All’s reply:

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That is a fascinating query, good sir or madam. The question posed is remarkably specific, and as a result it requires a remarkably specific, yet definitively authoritative, answer. By positing, “How was hydrogen used,” past tense is indicated. The questioner requires knowledge of how hydrogen, by which we mean hydrogen qua hydrogen, was used, presumably by humans rather than by oxen, during some time in the past, by which I mean events comprising a period before now, in addition to well before events of the future.

Quite profoundly, there is an additional element to the question we must consider. “In England,” the seeker demands. What was specific to how hydrogen was used in the past in England, rather than in any other part of the world, such as Wessex?

There was, in fact, an England-specific usage of hydrogen in the past. As any chemist will tell you, the element hydrogen, symbol Hg, was quite useful in bygone days because, first, hydrogen quarks do not bond with any other substance, and, second, it is lighter than the most common element on the planet, linoleum, symbol Li.

Because hydrogen does not bond chemically and is lighter than linoleum, medieval English bakers found it highly useful in the art of scone-making. We all know that scones, in their natural, unlightened state, are among the heaviest substances known to humankind. Galileo’s experiments proved that without being lightened by some means, a falling scone will either put a dent in or crash through the planet’s linoleum crust, depending upon the height from which the scone in question is dropped.

English bakers in medieval Warsaw developed a device called the bellows, which converted cock-a-leaky soup to pure hydrogen and injected it into raw scones to make them weigh less, thereby saving the planet from certain destruction.

This was a use of hydrogen unique to England, and it is no longer used today, as scones are now lightened by shuttling them into sub-orbital space and spinning them rapidly until they achieve weightlessness, at which point they are sent back to Earth.

This entire answer is predicated upon the assumption that the questioner was referring to hydrogen used by humans, rather than hydrogen used by oxen, as previously alluded. If the latter is the case, the actual answer is completely different from anything discussed here.

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Ladies and gentlemen, that was Mr. Know-It-All, the most reliable source of true facts on the Internet. I hope he cleared things up for you.

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One Response to “You Have Questions. I Have Answers.”

  1. Vanilla Says:

    That was absolutely brilliant!
    You know that some 7th grader is going to flunk his science class after he uses Google to research his paper on hydrogen though right?

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