Welcome to the Eleven O’Clock News

Good evening. I’m Ted Tool, and welcome to the eleven o’clock news. We now take you to Some Random Valley Girl with today’s top story.

Some Random Valley Girl: So, like, Britney’s totally gonna have to, like, surrender full custody of her kids to K-Fed today? Like, at noon and stuff? And… [She puts her hand to her earpiece.] How is that not, like, the top story? It’s totally important and stuff?! [Pause.] Okay, so, like, the real top story is that Russian President Vladimir Puttin’ has decided to run for Prime Minister after his term as President is up and stuff, and that, like, totally short-circuits Russian democracy even more than it’s already been and… [She puts her hand to her earpiece again.] What do you mean I just mispronounced his name?! How’s it go? [Pause.] UGH, gross! That totally sounds like making poots! I’m not gonna say that on the air!

Ted Tool: Uhh, could you go on to the second story please?

Some Random Valley Girl: Yah, totally, Mr. Tool. So, back to Britney… [Again, her hand is raised to her earpiece.] How’s that not the second story, either?! [Pause.] So, like, all these monks are suddenly disappearing across Burma or Myanmar or whatever I’m supposed to be calling it, and the junta’s like, wiping out villages too, in retribution for monk-led anti-government protests there, like, the last couple of weeks and stuff? [Pause.] What does Britney have to do with any of this?!

Ted Tool: Umm, it doesn’t, but it’s important…

Some Random Valley Girl: Who says? If you look at, like, the most popular story rankings on all the news web sites, Britney’s totally at the top of them! That’s what people wanna know, not this.

Ted Tool: Yes, but…

Some Random Valley Girl: So, like, therefore, from, like, a financial standpoint of getting as many viewers as possible to keep this network afloat and stuff, Britney’s totally the most important news story?

Ted Tool: Umm…

Some Random Valley Girl: So, back to Britney. Hasn’t she, like, totally become like watching the decline of Elvis in time-lapse?


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