Time’s Black Hole and How to Change a Diaper

By now it has become apparent that newborns create some kind of space-time vortex around them that is as yet undetected by modern physics. How else can I explain the fact that I haven’t managed to write anything here for such a long time? The scary element of this is that, by all standards, our kid seems to be an exceptionally calm baby, generally not at all fussy for no reason. As my father jokingly put it the other day, “You need to try again and get yourselves a real baby.”

All the same, time somehow vanishes, probably to that mysterious corner of the universe full of dark matter and missing socks. In order to even get this half-assed entry written, I’ve been reduced to typing this on a laptop temporarily moved to our bedroom and away from our cable modem while I sit entertaining him and sheltering our kid from the toxic fumes emanating from downstairs while a friend paints my wife’s nails. Completely defeating the ethos of blogging, this isn’t even being posted in real time as a result. Right now, I’m banging these lame sentences out in OpenOffice and hoping I’ll have a chance to upload this tripe to the site soon. As if on cue, it suddenly smells and sounds like our little guy has just begun some uploading of his own to his diaper. I’ll be back in a minute.

YUM, that was pleasant! If you imagine that it’s chocolate pudding while you’re changing it… Who am I kidding? It still smells like the stuff that gets spread on fields around here. I suppose I could take this moment to make a small contribution to the vast body of inexpert knowledge and hearsay that makes up the blogosphere and describe exactly how to change a diaper. It helps to divide things into steps.

i. Locate a clean changing pad, and gather a new diaper or two, as well as something like Desitin and a container of wipes (the baby wipe variety – the use of things like Clorox, Swiffer, or Pledge wipes is highly discouraged, I hear).

ii. Be prepared for the potentiality of some fussing, kicking, and, if you have a boy, spraying (if you’re not sure what I mean by that, use your imagination). This is where an extra diaper and a lot of spare wipes could come in handy if it comes to that.

iii. Get all clothing out of the way. If you’re dealing with a onesie or a sleeper that is still dry, you only need to push it up to about the kid’s armpits, front and back, rather than removing it entirely.

iv. Make sure the clean diaper is open and ready to be swiftly exchanged with the old one. Sometimes kids will continue to do their business while or immediately after being cleaned off, and you don’t want to be caught off guard.

v. It is now time to open the diaper and discover what horrors lie within. Make sure you use one of your hands to hold the kid’s legs and feet out of the way at all times once you do so. Otherwise, things could get far more messy than they already are very quickly.

vi. Use the wipes to clean away the messy areas. If you’re dealing with number two, this will probably take multiple wipes. Make sure you get in all of the crevices. You’d be amazed what can accumulate in there if you don’t. (Side note: if you’re change the diaper of a girl, there is a certain direction in which you are supposed to go when doing all this wiping. Since I don’t have one of those, I don’t know what that is. Sorry, you’re out of luck there and will need to find another unqualified non-expert blogger.)

vii. Once you have everything cleaned up, apply a schmear of ointment to any areas that may be rash-prone. Affix the new diaper (make sure you don’t have it on backwards; I’ve done that a few times), put the clothing back in order, and you’re done.

And that, Grasshopper, is how you bake scrumptious oatmeal cookies using an Easy Bake oven.

One Response to “Time’s Black Hole and How to Change a Diaper”

  1. Amy Says:

    Welcome back to the real world momentarily until you are swept away again. Good assessment in the beginning of your post – there is some kind of time accelerator/black hole with kids. Glad everything is going well. Beware of the quiet babies, I learned with my second that they are simply taking it all in now and then turn and use all that knowledge on you when they are one.

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